the rule of belief

"keeping your fingers crossed makes it difficult to hold a pen, but i must say, it's worth it." lorrie moore

i was born cursed with a belief in everything.

except for the giddy of new love. i don't trust that, even if at times i believe in it.

a person in love gives too much.

away.

never trust a person who says everything with a smile.

you say my belief is openness you can see in my posture.

you say you can tell it's me before you can see it is me.

coming.

behind closed doors i lose the right way up and find myself clinging to the roof like a fast-food pickle.

my posture belies my belief in the lie down.

my posture belies my belief in the get go.

and the let go.

my best-friend at uni said my curse was to destroy my food with too much salt.

i believed her.

but then she had a boyfriend for three years who lacked a libido. she could count the number of times she had sex during her under-graduate years.

with her boyfriend that is, there were times when she sought "fulfillment" elsewhere.

never become your boyfriend's sister.

even though i believe that, i didn't tell her.

and now my beliefs are under threat.

i hope.

there are times i hope so much it makes me squint like it's sour.

or makes me straddle both sides of everything.

and even though i know all i can know from the life i have chosen, and the one i have been honest enough with myself to have believed down the viewfinder of what was best, or best-fitting, or best meant, i still try and surprise myself - arrive home late and enter via the side gate to see what else i might be doing.

belief is a one-eyed man who will challenge and eventually stare you down.