Only Josh

It seems crazy to call Josh my "ex-boyfriend".

It was years ago that we broke up, and even when we did eventually end our fraught relationship, it was months before that time that we both knew it was over, but held on, not even really trying to fix the things. Just treading water without attempting to get anywhere or help each other out.

There were problems. For us both.

Me: Josh's unwillingness to change the things that made him unhappy with his life.

Josh: My inability to fix the things that made him unhappy with his life

Me: Josh's inability to be happy for my successes

Josh: My inability to support him and his lack of success

There is that moment, the last moment of holding onto something, when your grip slackens and you know you will be forced to let go. Because holding on is no longer possible, or no longer good for you.

We arrived there, to that point, and that's when it ended.

I would even say that he let go first, though that isn't to say I wasn't going to soon after. In fact there are so many things that could be said about the end.

Delayed, premature, sad, calm, frenzied, necessary, clean. But clear is what I remember most of all.

CLEAR.

I remember thinking it was as though suddenly everything had come into focus in the viewfinder. And I felt giddy surrounded by an endless number of crisp, defined edges.

I woke up remembering where it was I lay down.